Happy relationships
Maybe not what you expect to read about happy relationships. No sugar and honey, no compromises that only work until the next conflict. Instead, let's talk about three uncompromising fundamentals: mutual respect, morality, and jealousy. First and foremost, you absolutely need clear communication, without reservation or omissions.
Every relationship is unique, and some are successful despite different beliefs or morality which requires major compromises which may not be so equal to both parties. But compromises on personal beliefs and relationship inequalities do not make for healthy relationships.
What is a relationship?
We usually think of a relationship as two people committed to each other intimately. And that is what this article is about. However, keep an open mind that friendship is also a relationship, intimate or not. What a relationship is not is ownership or control at any level. You don't own your partner anymore than you own your friends. A marriage certificate is not a title of ownership or a license to control your partner.
The best relationships are built on equality and mutual respect, which are the same qualities you expect from friendships. Let's open a parenthesis here about BDSM. It may seem to be a paradox, but mutual respect and awareness are paramount, as the fundamental principles are "Safe, Sane, and Consensual." There should never be play without clear mutual consent.
Morality is not ethics
A quick refresher about the difference between ethics and morality, as that is often misunderstood as being the same thing:
- Ethics: Things or actions that affect others - external standards
- Morals: Beliefs and value about oneself - internal principles
Human ethics protects humans from each other's behavior. Mutual respect being the foundation. Morals are personal beliefs that only affect others who share the same morality, such as religion or culture, but no one else! It is unethical to expect other people to live by your own beliefs.
That is especially relevant about social behaviour that you may not agree with. If you have a problem with that, it is your problem, not theirs, so remove yourself if you don't like it. When those differences are within a relationship, the only honest solution is to resolve those differences before you commit to that relationship, or recognise that your morals do not match, and be honest with both yourself and the other person; don't get into that relationship.
The three fundamentals
Mutual respect: one does not do or say things that negatively affect another. It's fundamental ethics. Sounds simple and easy ... until a difference in morality gets in the picture.
Take the most common example: cheating. Lying about something the other believes differently because either a compromise is not respected, or the difference was either never settled, or never addressed. If you have a relationship that your partner does not know about, you are cheating, regardless of being monogamous or non-monogamous. Either way, you are cheating.
Morality: a set of personal beliefs and values usually acquired from a young age, most often rules from an old book. There are as many moralities as there are variations of old books. Morality is deeply rooted in one's character and behavior. Most moralities being absolute and uncompromising, it does not bode well for happy relationships where the moralities are different as discussed above.
Jealousy: A human emotion triggered by fear of losing ownership or control of someone or something. It is not exclusive to monogamous people; even openly sharing non-monogamous people may sometimes feel jealousy instead of the expected compersion. Traditional advice to deal with jealousy points to self-awareness, mindfulness, expressing feelings, etc., but fails to point to the root cause: ownership and control. And that takes us right back to the difference between morality and ethics, where ownership of another person is absolutely unethical. A morality that dictates ownership or control is unethical.
Jealousy is keeping the bird in the cage, compersion is to let the bird be free and enjoy watching its freedom and happiness.
Do you have matching intimate drives?
In a new relationship, you have most likely never talked about that until after a few weeks under the sheets when one of you sheepishly said, "It is a bit much for me" or "I could use a little more". You did think about that issue since the first day you met "mmm ... I wonder how much he/she likes?", but "How do you like to spend your birthday?", seemed to be a more appropriate question to ask first.
The real question is not how much, but do you match? There is no such thing as not enough or too much, only partners that are not well matched in intimacy to be satisfied without annoying each other, or worse. Intimacy is more important to some people and less important to others; there is no right or wrong, just differences that absolutely need to be addressed as early as possible upon considering a new relationship, as that is far more likely to make or break that relationship than accomplishing the perfect birthday.
Non-monogamous relationships
When relationships are consensual and ethical, it makes no difference how many partners are involved, as long as everyone involved has made their choice freely and they are happy about it. So, let's see what are the differences between happy monogamous relationships and happy non-monogamous ones.
Well ... it is really hard to think what differences there are. Fundamentally, they are still relationships, even if that involves more than two people. Same respect, same compatibility of morals or beliefs. Jealousy can be a challenge because of the intimacy aspect of relationships. That is the reason polyamorous people emphasize compersion; the feeling of sharing the happiness of a partner enjoying pleasure with another partner. Literally, the opposite of jealousy.
Can a monogamous person have a good relationship with a non-monogamous person? Absolutely, if the relationship has the three fundamentals. A monogamous person can have the same feelings of compersion for their partner than a non-monogamous person has, even if they themselves prefer not to have other relationships.
Non-monogamous relationships are very diverse, ranging from "kitchen table" polyamory, where everyone is involved to varying degrees with everyone else and they typically all live together, to parallel or occasional relationships. Polyamory relationships are generally the most visible, and the type often described in books and articles, but they are far from being the most common type. One may have a long-term relationship with someone not living with them. Swingers have occasional relationships. Being non-monogamous simply means being open to having more than one relationship. The caveat being honesty and ethics with the partners involved. Not being honest and hiding a relationship from a partner is cheating, no different from being monogamous.
Don't jump into it; build it!
It is not about taking enough time to decide to enter into a relationship, it is about talking with your partner about your respective wants and beliefs to see how they match. It is about addressing potential future issues now, not as they occur. Talking about ownership and jealousy is an absolute must, so that you both know where you each stand on that sensitive subject. If not, sooner or later, it will break the relationship. When everything is clear and mutually agreed, then the relationship can flourish without anything hiding in the shadow.
