Compersion vs. Jealousy
But I love my partner!
There is your paradox! Like the bird in the cage: If you love the bird so much, you set it free. If the bird likes you ... or gets hungry! It will come back. Love gets so confusing: you can love many people, children, brothers, sisters, friends ... but, BUT ... if you are intimate, you can only love one person. So, we try not to love other people too much, or we cheat to make it fit with our conflicting beliefs.
Ban jealousy from your life to become a good lover who feels happy when your partner is getting pleasure from someone. That's compersion; everyone is happy and honest about their feelings and actions. Other cultures also have words that defines the opposite of jealousy:
In Thai, it is mudita (มุทิตา) [1][2] where In Buddhism, it says:
the more securely one becomes in one's own abundant happiness,
the more bountiful it becomes to relish the joy of other people.
In Sanskrit, it is mudita (मुदिता) meaning "sympathetic or vicarious joy".
In Dutch, it is medelijden meaning "to feel with someone".
In German, it is mitfreude meaning "to rejoice with someone".
In Swedish, it is medglädje meaning "to feel joy with someone".
What about morality?
Mmmm ... let's step carefully into this minefield. On the surface, morality
is a good thing, it keeps society honest. In reality, it is a modified
subset of ethics, modified to serve, or enforce, traditions, beliefs,
or dogma. And those differences from ethics are often significant,
even contrary to ethical principles. Honesty is fundamental ethics,
but monogamy has nothing to do with ethics, it is an edict of morality
that actually conflicts with human ethics.
Why is jealousy so common, and accepted in most societies? Because of
the morality dictated by that society. While compersion is a feeling
that is ethical, as it does not hurt others, or forbid association
with others.
It is not easy to feel compersion
In Buddhism, mudita, is regarded as the most difficult to cultivate of the four immeasurables. Jealousy feelings are strong obstacles to feeling mudita. So, what is jealousy then? Jealousy is the fear of losing something one has or even never had in the first place. Insecurity, or fear, is what causes jealousy. Feeling jealousy when a partner is getting attention from someone else is because of personal or relationship insecurity, the fear of losing that partner to someone else.
There we are ... jealousy in relationships: "The fear that someone else is better and could take my partner from me". Seeing your partner having pleasure with another person brings up feelings of either jealousy or compersion, depending on how secure and confident you are. Important detail: confident about yourself, not about your partner. Because you are the one with the feelings, not your partner who is having a great time with that other person. Needless to say, if your relationship was built on ethical and mutual honesty, then your partner would have the same feelings about you.
So, let's break it down: why do you feel jealousy? Do you feel that you have ownership or exclusive rights of your partner? Ownership of a partner in today's world of equality is really outdated and you should seriously consider if your morals are compatible with human ethics. Or is it because you are insecure about that relationship? Do you fear losing your partner to someone "better"? Or is it that you fear that you are less than you need to be to retain a relationship with that partner and you fear that someone else would be better than you? Truth is that most breakups have little or nothing to do with outside influence or person. Most relationships end simply because one or both partners perceive that it is no longer beneficial to them, expressed in boredom and diminishing emotions toward each other. It is far less commonly due to an outside interference like that of someone else scooping up your partner from under your nose.
How to get there?
How do you get to feel compersion naturally and spontaneously? Love and care without reservation, where you are happy when your partner feels happiness and enjoys pleasure AND recognizes that you are not the exclusive one who can provide that. Trust your relationship knowing that your partner will come back to you with a big smile expressing the pleasure and happiness just experienced. That simply put is compersion.
Stop and think
Before reading further, consider your beliefs. If they are the utmost important part of your life and you would not dare challenge them, then you should stop reading this article as the next part may be disturbing to you, or give you angry feelings, or take you too far from your comfort zone.
Take the steps to happiness
- The first step is to review your personal beliefs.
- Are my beliefs ethical? This is the most difficult step to acknowledge and overcome. Many beliefs were acquired from childhood from trusted parents, teachers, or monks passing on the false knowledge they believe in themselves. Critical thinking is required to help you see through the fog.
- Do they conflict with my wants of happiness? Are they limiting or preventing you from living the lifestyle you want?
- How do I resolve the differences? By being honest with yourself.
- Review your self-confidence
- Bring it up, or take it down a notch! You need self-confidence to recognise your weak points and fix them. But overconfidence makes you blind to your partner's feelings and emotions.
- You need it to keep jealousy out of your life. So, you can see it and deal with it if and when it sneaks up on you.
- Your own well balanced self-confidence gives confidence to your partner to be honest and candid with you.
- Communicate
- Be spontaneous, be clear, don't be selective.
- Communication is two-way. Take the lead and it will happen naturally.
Finally, learn your new feelings
Yes, you will need time to adapt to the new dimensions of feelings, pleasure and love. To share with your partner emotions you may have for someone else. For you to feel happy when your partner tells you about pleasure they had with someone else. And please, this is not the path to a reckless free-for-all. Respect your partner and your other potential relationships.
